One Year Without Maddy

One year later, August 18, 2018 remains the worst day of my life.

I don't understand how it can feel like both a lifetime ago and also yesterday.

All I know is that Maddy's absence is still felt acutely every day. The smallest, most seemingly insignificant things will trigger memories that result in one of two outcomes - soul-crushing tears or uncontrollable laughter. Either way, it seems like we always end up saying, "Oh, Magoo..." with smiles on our faces.

As time has marched on, it has gotten easier. But the reality of it is that I will never get over it.

A few months ago, a dear friend, who is also an avid animal lover, asked me if Maddy was my dog soulmate.

I had to think about that for a few minutes. I mean really think about it.

Chelsea was with me for almost 17 years...from ages 25-42. She understood me inside and out. I was always convinced she was a person trapped in a dog’s body. She was fiercely loyal to her inner circle and didn’t really care for anyone else. She was exceptionally smart and in tune with me and was my whole world for all of those years. She consoled me when I was sad and spent countless hours of her life right by my side as I graded kids' work, read research, and wrote papers. She was my absolute constant companion and the very embodiment of what loyalty is. And she was our first child. So if I had to say, Chelsea is definitely my dog soulmate.

But Maddy was something incredibly special. I’ve never seen such joy and love radiate from a living thing like it did from her. She brought so much light and sunshine to our lives. She was a very sensitive little dog and she helped me get through the loss of the five who preceded her, comforting me at every turn. She loved and loved and loved and loved. No matter what, her tail was wagging. A shining example of how to live.

The fact that she died is something I will never understand.

I feel like she had so much more living to do.

With our other five, I was with them when they died.

All five.

Molly, Gunni, Duchess, and Sadie were at the vet in my arms.

Chelsea was at home, in our bed; I had my hand on her chest and felt her last heartbeat.

The fact that that I wasn’t with Maddy is something I will never forgive myself for.

I’m so angry she was at the kennel - which was an exceptionally rare occurrence. Only twice before had she been in a kennel - once when we had to travel to Canada for my grandpa’s funeral and when we (and our families) went to WDW for our vow renewal.

I’m so angry I wasn’t with her.

I’m so angry she wasn’t at home.

It was because my mom was still recovering and my brother, SIL, and niece, along with my uncle, were at my house to care for my mom so we could go to California.

There was so much going on with my mom that I thought it would be best for Maddy and Ginny.

So I put them in the kennel and Maddy died. I don’t really know from what. We’d been watching her on the webcam all week. I know she'd had two surgeries in the last year of her life, and she was dealing with a tumor, but I still don't really know for certain.

So I am wracked with guilt because if we hadn’t gone to California, at least I would have been with her. And maybe I’d have noticed something in her behavior.

I don’t know. It’s the worst.

When we got down to only having Maddy and Ginny, Maddy was “mine” and Ginny was (and continues to be!) “C’s”.

She was magical. And if I’m allowed to have two dog soulmates, then yes. She is my dog soulmate.

Losing Chelsea was excruciating because she was my everything. But now I can acknowledge that she lived a long, happy, healthy life.

I feel like Maddy was stolen from me in what was already the worst summer of my life. Ripped from my heart.

I will never get over it.

Grief is sneaky jerk that creeps up on you and attacks when you're least expecting it.

The only thing I can do is face that grief head on. All of it. The sadness, the guilt, and the emptiness.
I cry about Maddy. A lot.
But now I also laugh about Maddy, and when I look at her photos, my heart is happy.

C and Ginny and I are still navigating what it means to live without her, but we're in this together.

I knew today would be a difficult day and I made a point of staying very busy. I ate an Oreo sundae in her honor - one of our many nicknames for her was "Oreo" because of her black and white spotted paws - and I've smothered Ginny with as much love and attention as she's willing to tolerate.

Maddy's spirit lives on with us and we try to live up to the example she set...just be happy. No matter what life throws your way, keep wagging your tail and loving your people, because that's all that really matters.

For many more photos of Maddy, please see these two previous posts I've written about her:

Magoo

The Cheese Stands Alone

Happy Tails to you...