The Log Dog Blog: Life Lately November/December 2023

The last part of July, August, September, and October were filled with what seemed like a never-ending list of tasks and appointments related to my mom's estate. It felt like I couldn't ever catch up...so many phone calls and emails and forms and I was just trying to keep up with it all while learning a new job at the same time. One of the last big appointments was at the very end of October and then suddenly, there was nothing to do but wait as bureaucracy runs its course.

While I might have spent those three-plus months hoping for a break, once things settled down a little bit, the reality was that I felt lost in the calm. My mom's absence was deafening. This led to a really tough time because it coincided with the impending holiday season and the heartache I was experiencing was crippling. I knew these first holidays without my mom would be tough, but I underestimated just how debilitating they would be.

We spent Thanksgiving with B2 and S2; S2's parents invited us for Thanksgiving dinner and I was so touched they would think to include us. As for Christmas, we celebrated with B1, S1, B2, S2, and our niece and nephew on December 23 - it was a weird one for all of us, as my mom's absence was felt so deeply, but there's nowhere I'd have rather been than with my brothers. On December 24, C and I drove up to Canada for a few days to spend Christmas with his parents - it was so nice to be with them and have things feel somewhat normal and they are truly my second mom and dad. I had a bit of a breakdown on Christmas morning, but tried to honor my mom in my own little ways.

Now that it's January, I am proud to say I survived the holidays. I survived. It wasn't easy, and I certainly didn't get into the Christmas spirit at all. We didn't put up a tree or hang any lights; if you came to our house there was not a single indication that it was December. I just couldn't bring myself to celebrate, much less decorate. My grief has manifested itself in so many different ways since losing my mom and all I know for sure is that I have to let myself feel the big feelings in whatever way feels right at the time.

As for the non-holiday parts of the past two months...

C had a few dermatology appointments and several spots of skin cancer were identified - all but one were minor, but there was a spot on his neck that needed to be cut out and he ended up with an incision about two inches in length that required stitches and was bandaged up for ten days. Still reeling from the loss of my mom, i struggled with even hearing C's name and the word "cancer" in the same sentence, but his neck healed nicely and hopefully it was caught early enough that there won't be any further issues.

In November, we had a family get together up in New York to celebrate my YaYa's 94th birthday and B2's 40th birthday. It was a beautiful day and while I've always treasured my family, time spent together is extra special to me now. This past weekend, we drove up to New Jersey to visit my YaYa and any chance I have to see him is such a gift.

I got sick during Thanksgiving break and whatever that flu was, it took me out - the endless coughing and congestion and losing my voice by the end of every day were bad enough, but it was really the exhaustion that was most challenging. It was pretty relentless for about ten days, and then lingered until almost Christmas.

Some happy trips and milestones: trips to WDW in November and December, and C and I celebrated 35 years together on December 17 and 29 years of married life on December 31!

Finally,

My mom requested that we scatter her ashes in three places, one of which was the Grand Canyon. C, B1, B2, and S2 went hiking there with my dad at the beginning of December and they were able to scatter some of her ashes in a very special spot. They hiked all the way down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and then back out in one day - which you may recall C did with my dad with past April. My two brothers have done it countless times, it was S2's first time, C's second time, and my dad's 33rd time! I'm currently working on fulfilling her request at the second location, but this particular spot has a limited open season so it might take some time for everything to fall into place. I'll get her there.

After these two months of sickness and sadness, things are finally looking up. Also, Avalanche is adorable, so enjoy all of the pics of him!