The Force Awakens

Spoiler Alert

I avoided any and all Star Wars talk for weeks in anticipation of seeing the movie, and I've refrained from talking about it for as long as possible.  Now that it has grossed more than a billion dollars worldwide and has been in theaters for two weeks, I have decided it's fairly safe to write about it.

However, if you have not seen it yet, stop reading now.

Seriously.  Stop reading.

You will be angry with yourself if you keep reading and you spoil it!

You've been warned!

My one sentence review:
I enjoyed the movie, but I was devastated.

I have a long-running and well-established love of Star Wars, and of Han Solo and Princess Leia in particular.  Check out my Halloween costume in 1980!  I was Princess Leia from Hoth and I was OBSESSED with her.

As for Han Solo?  He is, without question, the longest standing crush of my life - and by extension, of course, Harrison Ford is, too.  C has known that Han Solo had my heart long before he did and he's pretty okay with it.  I honestly don't remember a time in my life when I was not in love with Han Solo, and as a young girl, all I wanted to do was grow up and marry him.  In many ways, I like to think I did just that.

My own real life Han Solo gave me this bracelet on the 27^th anniversary of our first phone call (and the day we consider the beginning of our story), which happened to be December 17.  The Force Awakens was opening later that night.  I was so hyped up about this movie that it was perhaps bordering on embarrassing, but - not sure if I've mentioned this already - I love Star Wars!  We held off seeing the movie until we could go with family, which wasn't until Christmas Eve, and the wait was excruciating.

In 1999, when the prequels came out, after a 16-year Star Wars drought, I drove 7.5 hours to sign my brother J out of boarding school when he was 16 and we went to the first midnight showing of The Phantom Menace.  The next morning, I drove him back to school and I drove 7.5 hours home.  That is the level of dedication I have to Star Wars.

So when I finally saw The Force Awakens with my family on Christmas Eve, I was so proud of myself for having avoided any and all spoilers.  I had almost no idea what to expect.  The only thing C and I did to "prepare" for the movie was to watch Episodes 1-6 in the days leading up to December 24.

My tears began when it was clear Han and Leia did not get their happily ever after.  What?!?  Unacceptable.  I felt completely and utterly betrayed.

And then when Kylo Ren killed Han Solo, I completely lost it.  Seriously.  Like the blotchy-face, whole-body-heaving type of crying.  More than a week later, I am still not over it.  I have adored this character my entire life.  When other people were all about Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Yoda, or Boba Fett, I only had one love:  Han Solo.

As a result, no other fictional death has ever impacted me so deeply.

Don't get me wrong – I grow extremely attached to book and movie characters more than I care to admit.

Sirius Black?  Dumbledore?  Hedwig?  Absolutely awful.  These deaths seemed so unfair and were heartbreaking.

Old Dan and Little Ann in Where the Red Fern Grows?  Tragic and soul crushing.  I cry just talking about that book. 

And then there's Bing Bong.  Bing Bong's death comes close.  Very, very close.

But unlike Han Solo, I had not loved Bing Bong for the entirety of my life when he died on screen.

The fact is that I was blindsided when Han Solo was murdered.  I had no idea that was going to happen and so I was completely unprepared because I was predicting a very different outcome for that scene.  I sobbed from that moment until the end of the film.  And then when I was in the theater lobby with my family afterwards, I wavered between feeling so sad I was unable to articulate the depth of my despair to so livid that I could not say anything positive about the movie (other than how adorable BB-8 was – I mean, come on – how could anyone see the movie and not love BB-8?!?).

Obviously I have calmed down since seeing the movie, but I am not over it.  I'd like to see the movie a second time because I know there were so many details I missed, but I cannot relive Han Solo's death again.  My family keeps trying to explain the necessity of his death to me, and maybe after Episodes 8 and 9 are released, I will feel differently.  Right now, though?  No, thanks.  I'll just re-watch Episodes 4-6 and re-live what is, in my opinion, the greatest movie kiss of all time:

Happy Tails to you!

December 13

Today would have been Chelsea's 17^th birthday.

Although it's been almost eight weeks since she left us, it feels like it happened yesterday.  There are constant reminders of our loss.

I recently went to the county government building to renew our dogs' licenses, and I told the lady that Chelsea had passed away.  I watched as she deleted Chelsea from our record.  It took everything I had to hold it together until I was back in the car, where I sat alone and sobbed.

My dad came to visit this weekend, and immediately remarked upon entering the house that this was the first time he'd been here without Peanut to greet him at the door ("Peanut" was his nickname for Chelsea her entire life).

I set up my new classroom and it is the only one I've ever had in which a current photo of Chelsea was not displayed.

But perhaps the most constant reminder is every single day when there is no little face looking up at me expectantly because she wants my coffee.  This was our daily routine and I would give anything to share my coffee with her again.

It's really all of the "firsts" without her that keep popping up that are heartbreaking – I haven't had it in me to do Christmas cards yet because I really don't know if I can handle the idea of her photo not being on them.  I realize it is now December 13th and that there is a serious chance I will not send Christmas cards this year.

However, I have some wonderful people in my life who share in my grief and who remind me each day of how comical Chelsea was – and those happy memories are slowly healing my heart.

My mom kindly attended the Remembrance Ceremony hosted at our veterinary office in our place, since we were out of town.  She shared stories about Chelsea – particularly about her affinity for coffee.  She brought Chelsea's ornament from the ceremony home and it will hang on our tree.  You may recall that we attended last year's ceremony as well.

One of my best friends had this bookmark made for me…it reads, "The ones that love us never really leave us" and has a paw print stamped on it.  The heart reads, "Chelsea #1."  I was overwhelmed when I opened this gift.  So perfect.

C gave me this same quote – one of my favorite J.K. Rowling quotes – as a framed print and I cannot wait to hang in our house.

Another dear friend gave me this plant in honor of Chelsea.  I have never, ever, ever been able to keep a plant alive, but I am on a mission to do so with this particular plant!

And today, her birthday, my mom gave me this card and the flowers, and C gave me the Dumbo mug with the "Baby Mine" scene on it.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by kind and thoughtful people and I am thankful each and every day for the gift of having them in my life.

Finally, I bought something for myself:  a pair of Tinker Bell mouse ears.  Chelsea's middle name was Tinker Bell – she was tiny and feisty, so it suited her well – and I love all things Tinker Bell because of that.  I can't wait to wear the ears on our next Disney adventure.

We miss our girl terribly, but love the amazing memories we have because of her.

Happy Tails to you!