There are countless reasons people experience grief. Some of these include:
- things that have happened
- things that haven't happened
- things that you know are going to happen
- unrealized dreams
- people we've lost
- animals we've said goodbye to
- illnesses we're living with
- lost opportunities
- difficult choices
- physical, mental, and emotional challenges
- world events / natural disasters / current affairs
To be honest, the list goes on and on, because what constitutes a source of grief is so intimately personal to different individuals.
When I'm grieving, I don't want anyone telling me "things happen for a reason" or "they're in a better place" or "time heals all wounds." None of these messages are helpful and none of them ease my heartache. What I need is to be allowed to grieve freely, without judgment, even if others don't understand what I'm grieving about.
We said goodbye to seven little dogs in a span of less than nine-and-a-half years. The pain that comes with each of those losses is unbearable to me. If you're not a dog person or an animal lover, maybe you can't understand. That's ok. What's not ok is saying something along the lines of "no more paying for expensive surgeries," which is something someone actually said to me after Maddy passed away. Maybe they were uncomfortable with my despair. Maybe they were tired of me talking about her or writing about her. Maybe they were trying to find a silver lining. Doesn't matter. It was one of the most insensitive things I've ever had said to me. I will not forget those words. Ever. So if you don't know what to say, it's better to just say nothing at all.
You know the saying about being kind because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about? That's certainly good everyday advice, but it's particularly important when someone is grieving. Even if you've suffered a similar loss, you cannot truly understand what a person is going through, so just be kind. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Hold their hand. Hug them. Let them know they are not alone without making it about you and your own experience. Allow them to grieve in their way, in their time. Just be there, especially weeks and months and years later when they need you - long after most people think they should have "gotten over it."
I will never "get over" the losses I've suffered. I don't know how anyone could. You just learn to live with those losses. They become a part of you and part of your story. I honor the death anniversaries of each of our dogs because those were monumental days in my life and remembering the happy memories we created together makes the grief a little less awful. They live on through those memories. We said goodbye to Molly in November 2010 - almost eleven years ago - and I still have her picture up on the bulletin board in my office. When I was decorating last week, those seven dog photos were the first ones I put up. They added such joy and love to my life; why on earth would I not have their photos up where I can see them every day?
Grief is such an uncomfortable topic for most people and I don't know why. Suffering loss is part of the human experience and if we could all just be kind and supportive to each other when we're dealing with loss, the world would be a much better place.
"What do you get from loss?
You get the awareness of other people's loss...
which allows you to love more deeply and to understand
what it's like to be a human being."
- Stephen Colbert -
To anyone reading this, if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold your hand or a hug, I'm happy to be that person for you.
And to all of you who have been that person for me, I will always remember your kindness in some of my darkest moments.
Happy Tails to you...
No comments:
Post a Comment