I don't understand how it seems like it happened yesterday and at the same time feels like I've been without her forever.
So many things have changed in the past six months.
Once my mom was at the assisted living facility, I called her every day on my way home from school. She'd tell me about her day, and I'd tell her about my day.
In starting my new job, in central office and in two different schools, with so many new things to learn and adjust to and so many new people to build relationships with, I've had so much I've wanted to tell her. Every single day, when I get in the car to head home, I want to call her. She would always listen to the good stuff, the not-so-good stuff, and everything in between, no matter how boring. Both of my new schools are using the "house" system like in Harry Potter and at one of my schools, the houses are named after constellations. When I was sorted into House Draco, she is the first person I wanted to tell because she had endured my love of dragons since our first visit to Epcot in 1983. Not being able to call her and tell her about my day has been one of the hardest things for me. I do talk to her in the car and I hope somehow she can hear me. She was my biggest cheerleader and I was so fortunate to always have someone rooting for me.
This was the text she sent me when I asked if she thought I should apply for the instructional coaching job:
And this was the text she sent me when I told her I accepted my new position:
The past six months have been a blur...at first the days were so frenzied and then they slowly morphed into an eerie quiet.
In that time, I've struggled with so many competing emotions...grief, devastation, worry, emptiness, stress, heartache, guilt, relief, gratitude, sadness, joy...you name it and I've felt it. I've worked hard over the past couple of weeks to actively seek out laughter and delight because she told us she wanted us to go on and lead happy and fulfilling lives. She said for years that she wanted us to remember her at her best, her funniest, her most loving and giving; some days are easier than others in this regard. Just when I think I'm coming out the other side, something will trigger a memory and I'll be caught off guard and swallowed up by the grief. However, C and I find ourselves telling humorous stories about her, recalling things she said and did that make us smile and in those moments, I'm at peace.
Watching her battle over almost nine years was not easy. As the disease progressed, it grew more difficult in every way, for all of us. But I chose her time and time again, turning down social invites, canceling travel, leaving events early...this is not to make myself seem great, but to explain that she was worth every sacrifice. We had to cancel or reschedule trips because she needed us and I don't regret "missing out" on anything because she was my priority.
Six months into this journey and there is only one fact of which I am certain: I am so lucky to be her daughter.
Happy Tails to you!
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