One Year Without Maddy

One year later, August 18, 2018 remains the worst day of my life.

I don't understand how it can feel like both a lifetime ago and also yesterday.

All I know is that Maddy's absence is still felt acutely every day. The smallest, most seemingly insignificant things will trigger memories that result in one of two outcomes - soul-crushing tears or uncontrollable laughter. Either way, it seems like we always end up saying, "Oh, Magoo..." with smiles on our faces.

As time has marched on, it has gotten easier. But the reality of it is that I will never get over it.

A few months ago, a dear friend, who is also an avid animal lover, asked me if Maddy was my dog soulmate.

I had to think about that for a few minutes. I mean really think about it.

Chelsea was with me for almost 17 years...from ages 25-42. She understood me inside and out. I was always convinced she was a person trapped in a dog’s body. She was fiercely loyal to her inner circle and didn’t really care for anyone else. She was exceptionally smart and in tune with me and was my whole world for all of those years. She consoled me when I was sad and spent countless hours of her life right by my side as I graded kids' work, read research, and wrote papers. She was my absolute constant companion and the very embodiment of what loyalty is. And she was our first child. So if I had to say, Chelsea is definitely my dog soulmate.

But Maddy was something incredibly special. I’ve never seen such joy and love radiate from a living thing like it did from her. She brought so much light and sunshine to our lives. She was a very sensitive little dog and she helped me get through the loss of the five who preceded her, comforting me at every turn. She loved and loved and loved and loved. No matter what, her tail was wagging. A shining example of how to live.

The fact that she died is something I will never understand.

I feel like she had so much more living to do.

With our other five, I was with them when they died.

All five.

Molly, Gunni, Duchess, and Sadie were at the vet in my arms.

Chelsea was at home, in our bed; I had my hand on her chest and felt her last heartbeat.

The fact that that I wasn’t with Maddy is something I will never forgive myself for.

I’m so angry she was at the kennel - which was an exceptionally rare occurrence. Only twice before had she been in a kennel - once when we had to travel to Canada for my grandpa’s funeral and when we (and our families) went to WDW for our vow renewal.

I’m so angry I wasn’t with her.

I’m so angry she wasn’t at home.

It was because my mom was still recovering and my brother, SIL, and niece, along with my uncle, were at my house to care for my mom so we could go to California.

There was so much going on with my mom that I thought it would be best for Maddy and Ginny.

So I put them in the kennel and Maddy died. I don’t really know from what. We’d been watching her on the webcam all week. I know she'd had two surgeries in the last year of her life, and she was dealing with a tumor, but I still don't really know for certain.

So I am wracked with guilt because if we hadn’t gone to California, at least I would have been with her. And maybe I’d have noticed something in her behavior.

I don’t know. It’s the worst.

When we got down to only having Maddy and Ginny, Maddy was “mine” and Ginny was (and continues to be!) “C’s”.

She was magical. And if I’m allowed to have two dog soulmates, then yes. She is my dog soulmate.

Losing Chelsea was excruciating because she was my everything. But now I can acknowledge that she lived a long, happy, healthy life.

I feel like Maddy was stolen from me in what was already the worst summer of my life. Ripped from my heart.

I will never get over it.

Grief is sneaky jerk that creeps up on you and attacks when you're least expecting it.

The only thing I can do is face that grief head on. All of it. The sadness, the guilt, and the emptiness.
I cry about Maddy. A lot.
But now I also laugh about Maddy, and when I look at her photos, my heart is happy.

C and Ginny and I are still navigating what it means to live without her, but we're in this together.

I knew today would be a difficult day and I made a point of staying very busy. I ate an Oreo sundae in her honor - one of our many nicknames for her was "Oreo" because of her black and white spotted paws - and I've smothered Ginny with as much love and attention as she's willing to tolerate.

Maddy's spirit lives on with us and we try to live up to the example she set...just be happy. No matter what life throws your way, keep wagging your tail and loving your people, because that's all that really matters.

For many more photos of Maddy, please see these two previous posts I've written about her:

Magoo

The Cheese Stands Alone

Happy Tails to you...

Keep Moving Forward

This is one of my favorite quotes from Walt Disney and it's appropriate because I have some pretty exciting news on the career front!

Less than seven weeks ago, I had no concrete plans to return to work. I've been working part-time with the Office of Adult Education since February, and while I had been thinking about what do you for the upcoming school year, I didn't have anything specific in mind.

Then in May, I had the opportunity to return to my former work home and rejoin the fifth grade team for the remaining nineteen days of the school year. While it was admittedly a crazy time of the year, I loved being with my teammates every day!

So much so that I cancelled a planned trip to Disneyland the first weekend in June that had included a reservation to the opening weekend to Galaxy's Edge! That should tell you how much I love my teammates because when I secured that reservation a few months earlier, C and I were over-the-moon excited!

Oh, well!

It was kind of a painful decision because we'd been looking forward to that trip for quite some time, and the Galaxy's Edge reservation was icing on the cake. However, the reality is that Galaxy's Edge isn't going anywhere and we will get to see it soon enough! I also know it was absolutely the best decision for my students.

The last day of school was bittersweet because I love the teachers and I wasn't sure when I would be back to the building, but I am super excited to now report that I will be back there every day!

As the last day of school approached, the Reading Specialist position became available and after much discussion with C and my mom, I decided to apply. I obviously had come concerns about returning to work full time, as my mom's health is in a steady state of decline due to her pulmonary fibrosis. However, I'd be very close to home in case of an emergency and she has always been incredibly supportive of my career throughout my entire working life!

I interviewed with a panel of the school's staff, and let me say that it is so much more intimidating to interview with people you know than it is to interview with complete strangers! Waiting on the principal's decision was made little more challenging when I received a different job offer a few days after my interview, but when I spoke with her on the phone, I knew I'd be declining the second job offer in order to take the Reading Specialist position.

I've never held this role before, so I am both nervous and excited! I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to put my Reading Specialist endorsement to good use, as I took extra classes and did a lot of extra work to earn it while I was taking my doctoral classes. And as I continue to work on my dissertation, I'm hoping the research I've done will help to guide me in my new position because I'm looking at how Math Specialists support teachers in the classroom! Different content area, but same principles! I also know I'll learn so much from working with the amazing teachers at my school as I embark on this new challenge!

Going back to the restrictive schedule of a public school teacher means our year of awesome and flexible travel has come to an end and that is about the only downside I can think of in terms of this new adventure! Well, that and the fact I won't have an entire classroom to decorate with Disney things!

I am so grateful to have been in a position to stay home with my mom as she recovered from her surgery last summer; what a gift to have had all of this time together! The year off also came with the benefit of being home with Ginny and I will certainly miss spending my days with this beautiful face!

My Girl

Happy Tails to you!

WDW May 2019

We had been looking forward to this trip for quite a while because not only was it to celebrate C's birthday, but we were also staying at Bay Lake Tower, which opened after we'd already stayed at each of the WDW resorts! We rented DVC points again, which we'd done back in December when we stayed at Saratoga Springs, and as a bonus, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece were also going at the same time! Once again, the process for renting DVC was super simple and I cannot recommend it enough!

you can take any of the
complimentary celebration buttons and
have them personalized in the
Christmas shop in Liberty Square

Pooh & Rabbit

Thursday, May 2

Our flight was at 6 am, so we got up at 3 am to drive to the airport. While we normally try to pack lightly, the fact that there are no bag fees on Southwest, coupled with the fact that the Magical Express service that would deliver our bags to our room, we did each check a bag, so we needed a little extra time to do that before our flight. We lucked out with an empty middle seat, and after landing in Orlando, took the Magical Express to Bay Lake Tower. Obviously it was very early in the morning, so we knew our room would not be ready, but we checked in and dropped off our backpack and then walked over to Contemporary to grab a bite to eat at Contempo Café before taking the monorail to Epcot.

our plane's shadow
as we were landing

We had a fastpass for Spaceship Earth, and since it will be undergoing a lengthy refurbishment, we did not want to miss it on this trip! After that, we wandered around the park for a few hours before our lunch reservation at Via Napoli. The International Flower and Garden Festival was still happening, and I just love Epcot with all of its color and beauty at this time of year! We also had a fastpass for Frozen Ever After, which we rode before taking the monorail back to Contemporary and walking to Bay Lake Tower because our room was ready.

  

We were assigned to an accessible room and weren't sure what to expect, but the cast member earlier that morning had assured us that we would love it. He was so right! We had a great view of both Bay Lake and Magic Kingdom!

the reflection of Cinderella Castle
in the mirror in our room

view from our balcony

After taking a nap, we took an uber over to Wilderness Lodge for dinner at Whispering Canyon Café. They'd started offering a vegan version of their skillet and we wanted to try it for two reasons: one, to experience it for ourselves after reading reviews online, and two, we feel like we need to try places that that offer vegetarian and vegan items so that Disney knows there is definitely a market for these types of options!

I wish I had a more positive review, but this was pretty much a bust for us. The vegan sausage was good, but in terms of the other meat substitutes, we were not fans. Overall, the service and dining experience was not that great, either, which was a little surprising, because we have typically enjoyed ourselves every time we've eaten here over the past 20+ years. We will definitely not be returning for this vegan skillet, but will still come back for breakfast!

After dinner, we took an uber back to Bay Lake Tower, and watched Happily Ever After from our balcony. The show's audio is broadcast on one of the TV channels, so it was the perfect way to end the night!

Friday, May 3

Today was C's birthday, and it was fun from beginning to end! We took an uber from BLT to Epcot for an early birthday breakfast reservation and since it was before the official opening time of the park, we got in early and were able to take some pictures without anyone around! The best!

We met my brother, sister-in-law, and niece at Garden Grill in The Land. I'm pretty sure the last time C and I ate there was 1994, so it was fun to finally return. Breakfast was a character meal, and it was hilarious and heartwarming to watch our almost-two-year old niece interact with Mickey, Pluto, Chip, and Dale!

After breakfast, we rode Living with the Land and then walked over to The Seas with Nemo and Friends because our niece loves fish! Such a fun morning! They headed off to do their own thing, and we took an uber back to BLT and then walked over to MK. This is the absolute best thing about staying at BLT – being able to walk to and from MK in a matter of minutes!

We got popcorn, rode the PeopleMover, and watched Mickey's PhilharMagic before walking back to BLT to take an uber over to Beach Club. We had a reservation for C's birthday lunch at Beaches and Cream, and if you've read any of my other posts about WDW, you already know this is one of our very favorite places ever. I've read quite a few rumors that it will be expanding, so perhaps it won't be quite as challenging to secure a reservation in the future!

rainbow everything

After lunch, we took a Friendship boat over to DHS, and rode Star Tours and Toy Story Mania, and watched MuppetVision 3D, before taking an uber back to BLT.

the WORST character
in the Muppet universe

one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken

For C's birthday, we had reservations at California Grill. While I'd love to say it was a perfect dining experience, it was not. They claim to have a dress code, but it seems to no longer be enforced. Whereas this used to be a pretty fancy and special restaurant, it no longer feels that way. I'll leave it at that. But we enjoyed our food and watched the fireworks from our table and tried to not let the other patrons ruin our evening. In all honesty, I've just been noticing a general decline in behavior and conduct everywhere we go at WDW, and it's a little disappointing!

Regardless, it was an awesome day and I loved being able to celebrate C all day long!

Saturday, May 4

My brother, sister-in-law, and niece had breakfast at Chef Mickey's, so we walked down there to pick up their car seat and keep it in our room for them because they were spending the day at MK, with a break in the afternoon back in our room so our niece could take a nap.

C and I took the monorail over to Polynesian for Tonga Toast at Captain Cook's and then walked over to the Wedding Pavilion. On our way, we found my family's Walk Around the World brick, and we were very surprised by how worn it was, compared with our brick…maybe because there's sand from the beach at Polynesian that has contributed to its erosion? That's my best guess, because it seems like the walkway between MK and BLT/Contemporary would face much heavier foot traffic than this particular stretch of walkway between the Wedding Pavilion and Polynesian, yet our brick (see photo earlier in the post for comparison) is still is great condition! It was difficult to make out the inscription on my family's brick, so we actually put sand on it in hopes of reading it more clearly!

When we got to the Wedding Pavilion, there were two cast members delivering flowers for a ceremony later that day, and so I approached them and asked if I could take a look inside. Since our vow renewal there in December 2014, they've renovated the interior and I hadn't seen the changes in person. They were so kind and accommodating and walked me around and pointed out all of the differences and it is just gorgeous! I mean, I thought it was fabulous before, too, but now it is absolute perfection!

After our visit to the WP, we walked over to Grand Floridian to take the monorail to MK. We watched the Move It! Shake It! MousekeDance It! street party while eating popcorn and then rode the PeopleMover, so pretty much our favorite way to spend time at MK! Since our niece was taking a nap in our room, we decided to take an uber to All Star Music because I was on the hunt for a Tinker Bell cupcake. Alas, that cupcake not available, but we did find a unicorn cupcake, so that was almost as good!

We took an uber back to BLT and FaceTimed with Ginny before walking back over to MK for a little while to meet up with my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and my brother's best friend who lives in Florida and came to WDW for the day. I got to take my niece to the Mickey and Minnie meet-and-greet with my sister-in-law, and it was beyond adorable to watch her interact with the characters! Afterwards, the four of them had dinner plans, and C and I had our own plans, so we walked back to BLT, and took an uber to Winter Garden because our friend Scotty from Jellyrolls was performing. Such a fun event!

Before taking an uber back to WDW, we noticed there was a Publix across the street. While this may not seem particularly exciting to some people, we had been reading all about the key lime pie they sold and how amazing it was, so we decided to go over and buy one to judge for ourselves! Without overselling it, that key lime pie was so delicious! It totally lives up to the hype!

Once we got back to BLT, we dropped off the pie in our room and walked over to MK (yes, it was the third time entering MK that day!). The park was open until 11:00 and we arrived at about 9:30, and in that short amount of time, we watched Happily Ever After from Fantasyland and rode Peter Pan's Flight, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and Jungle Cruise (with one of the most hilarious skippers we've ever had!) because the park was not crowded! We also watched the Kiss Goodnight, which always makes me cry, regardless of how many times I see it!

We walked over to Contemporary around 11:40 pm and went to The Wave for a bite to eat to cap off another great day!

Sunday, May 5

Since Saturday had been a long and busy day, we slept in before walking over to MK for lunch. We went to Casey's Corner for the ridiculously-named-but-super-delicious "plant-based slaw dog" which is one of the best vegetarian options at all of WDW in our opinion! We again rode the PeopleMover and got popcorn (you may have noticed that these are literally the two things we do almost every single time we go to MK), and then took the monorail over to Polynesian for Dole Whip Floats and to wait out a thunderstorm.

Disney ducklings

Once the torrential rain stopped, we took the monorail over to Contemporary and walked to our room for a short break before taking an uber over to Boardwalk to visit our niece for a little while before she went to bed (they had spent the day at Animal Kingdom). We then walked to Epcot and grabbed some dinner and dessert at the U.K. and France pavilions, and found a spot to watch Illuminations. We assumed this would be our last time seeing it before a new nighttime show is introduced because we currently don't have any trips back to WDW in the near future. Although it's a fine show, I'm looking forward to something new because I've never been an ardent fan of this version of Illuminations (I still fondly remember the original show). We had a good view, the music is wonderful, and the weather could not have been better, so it turned out to be a lovely evening.

But the most exciting thing – well, exciting to me! – is that I met the couple who are the authors of my favorite Disney blog! They were walking toward us and I immediately recognized them, so I stopped them to let them know how much I enjoy their blog! They are very nice people (and they also have a Dachshund!) and chatting with them made my night! We walked out of the back of Epcot to take an uber from Beach Club to BLT, and I talked C's ear off about meeting them the entire time…over the past number of years, I've met several people that I follow on Instagram, but this encounter was definitely my favorite!

Monday, May 6

We walked over to MK for breakfast at Sleepy Hollow and then stumbled upon a performance by the Main Street Philharmonic over in Storybook Circus because I was looking for a Mr. Toad plush that I'd read was only found in Big Top Souvenirs. We also ordered a commemorative brick with our dogs' initials on it, so while we waited for that to be ready, we rode the PeopleMover and Carousel of Progress. Once we picked up the brick, we got some popcorn and them walked back to BLT, stopping along the way to take a photo of the dogs' brick next to our brick.

One thing I like to do is give away ears to kids when I'm in the parks. I often buy ears from small shops on Etsy and wear them on a particular trip and take cute pictures of them. But not all of them are "keepers" because I just don't have space to store every pair of ears I've ever owned. So a few years ago, I decided I would start giving them away and doing so has created some of the most fun and special memories for me! I had this beautiful pair of Tinker Bell ears (she is a very important character to me), and I hadn't really planned on giving this particular pair away. However, as we were leaving MK, we passed a little girl in a Tinker Bell costume and she didn't have any ears, so on a whim, I decided I would give them to her because they were a perfect match for her outfit. I always chat with the parents because I don't want them to think some weirdo is approaching their kids, so I asked the mom if her daughter would like the ears and her reaction was priceless! I think she was more excited than the little girl and she thanked me repeatedly - which is not why I do it, but it's always nice to make someone's day a little brighter. And seeing the look on the little girl's face definitely made my day brighter as well!

After dropping off the brick in our room, we took the bus over to Disney Springs to get some lunch at Blaze Pizza and wander around for a while before taking an uber from there over to DHS to meet my brother, SIL, and niece. While we were waiting for them, we went to MuppetVision 3D and then an Edna Mode exhibit we had noticed a few days earlier. In addition to it having cool displays of the costume designs from The Incredibles and Edna Mode quotes all over the walls, it turned out to be a meet-and-greet! Fun surprise!

words to live by

When we met up with my brother, SIL, and niece, we rode Toy Story Mania, and our niece rode with us, so I was really competing against my niece who was being helped by C. As you can see below, I barely beat them in terms of the score, and they destroyed me in terms of accuracy (I'm obsessed with accuracy)! Clearly they make a formidable duo!

After eating at PizzaRizzo (and there are few things cuter than an adorable toddler excited about eating pizza!), they went back to their hotel room while C and I stopped for a drink at Baseline Tap House before walking over to Boardwalk. We babysat our niece so my brother and SIL could go out to dinner, and it was awesome to spend the evening with her!

the view from their room

Tuesday, May 7

After packing, checking out, and dropping off our bags at bell services, we walked to MK for a few of our favorites again (slaw dogs, PeopleMover, popcorn) and to soak up the atmosphere to hold us over until our next trip back, whenever that may be! We then walked to Contemporary and took an uber to Saratoga Springs resort, because I was looking for the Orange Bird cupcake I'd seen on Instagram. My love of Orange Bird is well-documented, so you can bet I was more excited than is probably reasonable, but not only was the cupcake super adorable, it was also delicious!

Look at this! So cute!

To round out the trip, we took an uber over to Polynesian, for final Dole Whip floats before taking the monorail to Contemporary and walking to BLT to get on the Magical Express back to the airport. Although we did not have an empty middle seat on our flight home, I slept the entire time, so it was a nonissue!

We did have plans to return to Disneyland (and we even had a special reservation because tomorrow is the opening of Galaxy's Edge!), but between the conclusion of this WDW trip and when I've finally gotten around to writing this post, I've taken a long-term sub job, and we cancelled that trip to California. Our current Premier Passports (Florida AND California) expire June 12, but we have certainly gotten a ton of use out of them!

Thank you, as always, to my fabulous mom for watching Ginny while we were away!

Happy Tails to you!