Magoo

My worst fear has been realized…one of our dogs died while we were traveling; one of our dogs died when I wasn't at her side.

Magoo. Our beautiful Magoo.

Before Maddy, I'm not really sure I believed in the concept of love at first sight. Or maybe I thought I did, but until that fateful afternoon, I didn't understand the power of love at first sight. (Read about how we met her HERE.)

If you've followed along with any of my blog posts since the end of June, you know it's been a difficult summer. Honestly, that is putting it mildly. This summer has been the worst of my life. Thankfully, it appears that my mom is finally on the mend, but it is not overstating it to say we all thought we were going to lose her.

I canceled a trip to visit my dad in July, and we thought we would have to cancel our trip to Disneyland, especially after my mom had a second hospital stay. However, our family pulled together to give C and me a break for four days. My brothers and sister were able to spend time at my house and my uncle – my mom's brother – came down from Canada, too. We knew my mom would have excellent people keeping an eye on things for her.

One thing we knew my mom would not be able to do was watch Maddy and Ginny for four days. And with our baby niece also staying at our house, we figured it would just be easier on everyone, including Maddy and Ginny, if we checked our two pups into the kennel where they'd previously stayed on a few occasions. It is affiliated with our regular vet clinic and we booked a room with a webcam so we could check in on them at any time.

In order to stay there, Maddy and Ginny needed a few vaccinations, so I took them to see our Dr. T. on Thursday, August 9. We had noticed over the summer that Maddy had lost some of the spring in her step and that she was sleeping more than usual, but we mostly chalked it up to her age. She did well at her appointment with Dr. T., but we did plan on taking her back to the internist when we returned from California because she still had that tumor on her adrenal gland. When we got home after the vaccinations, she was behaving somewhat strangely and we were worried that something was wrong, but by Friday morning, she was back to her usual self and we figured she just had a reaction to the meds – again, she turned 13 in July and her advanced age was always at the forefront of my mind. We decided to keep an eye on her and make a decision about our trip by the end of the weekend.

She was fine on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so we decided to go ahead with our trip, which had us flying out on Tuesday morning and flying home on Friday night, arriving Saturday morning.

As I wrote in my last post, we dropped them off on Monday evening because our flight was super early on Tuesday morning before the kennel opened. Between Monday night and Saturday morning, I checked that webcam easily a hundred times. I loved being able to watch Maddy and Ginny throughout our trip! We noticed that they weren't eating much, but that was to be expected given that they were in a strange place with strangers feeding them. We also noticed that Ginny almost exclusively curled up in a little ball in the corner, which caused us some concern. Maddy, on the other hand, seemed fine – at least as fine as we would have hoped with her being on unfamiliar turf. The kennel did call and leave me a message about them not eating much, and when I returned their call, I gave them the go-ahead to try some different foods to see if they were interested. They assured me both dogs were doing well.

We were so excited to see them. SO excited. As we were in the Uber to the airport on Friday evening, we kept checking the webcam, which only heightened our excitement at picking them up in the morning as we watched them – Ginny tucked into her little corner, and Maddy resting near her but looking around at the goings-on.

The webcam was the last thing I checked before turning my phone off when we were on the plane. Both Maddy and Ginny appeared to be settled and sleeping, and I told myself it would be less than seven hours until I'd be holding them in my arms.

The webcam was the first thing I checked when I turned my phone on once we landed. They were in the same spots, and since it was only 5:45 in the morning, I didn't give it a second thought.

I checked the webcam again while C and I grabbed some breakfast to pass the time until the kennel opened, and again, there was no indication anything was wrong.

We were at the kennel at 6:55 (they opened at 7:00) and were quickly "checked out" at the desk. The employee grabbed two leashes and told us she'd be right back with them. I was poised with my camera ready because I was hoping to capture a video of them when they came out into the lobby where we were waiting.

After a few minutes, I started to think something was wrong because it was taking too long. I decided to check the webcam and I could see that the door to their kennel was open. Ginny was no longer in there. And Maddy was laying on the little cot in the same place she'd been since I'd looked at the camera when we landed.

The sense of dread I felt was sickening. I showed the camera to C and I could see on his face that he had the same fear. And then we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker asking for assistance in the annex, which is where they'd been staying. And we knew. At that moment, the world stopped spinning. And we were left just standing there waiting for someone to come and tell us she was gone.

The next half hour seemed to last a million years. One of the employees came to the lobby; C asked what was going on and she told us Maddy had passed away. I remember announcing loudly that I was going down there and the employee led the way. When we entered the annex, there were several employees standing around and one of them had Ginny on her leash. I am ashamed to admit that I only said a quick hello and petted her on the head absentmindedly as I stormed past to get to Maddy. The kennel door had been closed and I pulled on it frantically but could not open it. I have never in my life wanted to kick in a door before that moment. One of the employees rushed over to open it for me and I just fell to my knees beside the little cot and sobbed over her still little body. C took care of Ginny and was asking questions and I just sat with Maddy and cried. Ginny was crying and kind of freaking out, so C took her to the car and got a blanket that he brought back in to Maddy's kennel.

One of the employees said something about a vet again and I just remember saying, "We're taking her."

I wrapped our beloved little dog up in the blanket and carried her out to the car. We called our vet clinic and let them know we would be bringing Maddy in to be cremated, and when we arrived, they kindly put us right into a room. We were able to love on her and tell her how magical she was and how we were the luckiest people on the planet to have had the honor of loving her.

More than three days later, we are still in shock. Completely heartbroken. While it certainly seems that she did not suffer – that she simply went to sleep and never woke up – I am never going to not feel guilty that I wasn't with her. When we dropped them off on Monday evening, I told them, "It’s only 108 hours! You can do it!" and yet we were about six hours too late. The reality that I didn't get to hold her in her final moments is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

It is frightening how your whole life can change in an instant. We went from happiness at having just had an amazing trip to excitement when we arrived at the kennel to pick them up to utter devastation upon the dreadful discovery.

Anyone who had checked on her during the night would have thought she was sleeping. That's what I would have thought.

When I first heard the song "Ho Hey" by The Lumineers many years ago, I immediately knew that would be Maddy's song. I sang "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart!" to her all the time, and when I did, she would wiggle around and wag her tail. Every single time. It was playing on the radio BOTH times we dropped her off for surgery last year. No joke. So we listened to that song on our way home without her on Saturday morning.

I miss my sweetheart.

I wrote in another post how everyone thought of her as "their" Magoo because she just gave so much love to her people. Her always wagging tail represented her joyful spirit and got her out of trouble when she was ripping up dog beds and covering the house in fluff. As you'll see below, it wasn't that she seemed like she was smiling…she WAS smiling. Always.

She had a rough start to life, being used as a breeding dog at a puppy mill, with her puppies being stolen from her for human profit. That might have broken lesser dogs. But not Maddy. She remained kind and loving, always ready to comfort those around her – dogs and people! – whether that meant sitting quietly beside someone through their sadness or licking tears off someone's cheeks as they cried. She was such a sensitive little soul.

And so tough. Two major surgeries in the last year (spleen and spine), and yet she never stopped wagging her tail.

I could write for weeks and not paint an accurate portrait of how happy and loving Maddy was. And since pictures are worth a thousand words, I am just going to share all of these photos of her because they speak for themselves. For just shy of nine years, she brought so much sunshine to our family.

The video clip is quintessential Maddy...running happily to give kisses. Like I've said...so full of love.

The final photo is one I took right before we left her to be cremated. A boy and his dog. He called her "Oreo" because of her coloring and I think that was her favorite nickname because her dad was the only one to call her that. I don't know why it wasn't in the cards for us to have children because C is the best father on the planet and I love this picture.

Maddy's Birthday: 7.23.05
Maddy's Gotcha Day: 9.11.09
Maddy's Rainbow Bridge Day: 8.18.18

Happy Tails to you...

Dog Hotel

We've always known how fortunate we are to have my mom willing and able to take care of our dogs whenever we travel.

However, she's somewhat out of commission at the moment!

What's the next best thing? The pet retreat that is affiliated with our veterinary clinic! They have access to all of our dogs' records and there is always a vet available for any problem that might arise. Not as good as my mom's care, but Maddy and Ginny have stayed there before a few times and so even though it was heartbreaking to leave them there, we know they will be well cared for while C and I are away.

Our flight is first thing in the morning, so that meant that we had to check them in at the retreat this evening. I'm not going to sugarcoat things...they were not happy to be there. However, they followed the tech to their kennel and we have webcam access so we can check in on them any time.

It was so weird to drive home without them! They are such a constant presence that the house is just not the same with them not here!

In the car heading to the pet retreat...
pretty sure they knew something shady was up!

Not happy, but following along nonetheless!

This face!

And this one!

Look at them huddling up together in the corner!
Oh my heart!
The guilt!

We will undoubtedly have a super fun time on our trip, but we are already looking forward to picking them up on Saturday morning! We love these little dogs so much!

Happy Tails to you!

Heading home!

Our home away from home
for the past four days

Four days later, my mom is heading home! Even though four days might not sound like much, it has been a tiring experience for her. After being admitted on Friday night, she was not permitted to drink anything – even water! – until Sunday afternoon, which is understandable, and yet challenging at the same time. On Monday, she was allowed to start eating small portions of food and she did well with that, so I knew she had turned the corner.

It's a good thing she was admitted because she ended up needing a lot of fluids and two different antibiotics to get things under control. It turns out that the abdominal pain was due to a flare up of diverticulitis, which we caught early before it escalated into an abscess. I am so thankful for this timing because it is very hard for me to see my mom in distress and given how much pain she was in, I can't even imagine how much worse it could have been if we hadn't caught it early.

As for more good news, she is NO LONGER ON THE WOUND VAC!!! Can you believe it?!? They took it off on Saturday!!! When they first put her on the wound vac on July 9, they told us she could be on it for three months, six months, or even possibly a year, depending on how the wound healed. Not even four weeks later, it was removed! She is amazing!

Her wound is not completely healed – that will still take time and patience – but it is healed enough that it doesn't require the wound vac. I was tasked with changing the dressing under the supervision of the nurse last night so that I will be able to do it at home in between the visits of the home health nurses, so I'm growing my skill set as a substitute medical tech.

Right now, we are just waiting for all of the discharge paperwork to be processed and then we'll be on our way! I am so grateful for the care my mom received once again and I hope this will be the last bump in the road to recovery for her! We've still got a long way to go, but we will get there!

Thank you for your well wishes and kind messages! She and I are very lucky to have such an excellent support system!

Tired, but happy!

Happy Tails to you!

Back at the Hospital

I took this at the surgeon's office
while we were waiting to be seen and
I just love it.
(I hope it's obvious that my smile
is not me relishing my mom's discomfort,
but joy that I could be with her when she needed me!)

Yesterday, C and I took my mom to her regularly scheduled follow-up appointment with the surgeon at 3:30, which led to her being sent to the ER for several hours before being admitted to the hospital.

My mom has been home for three weeks and her wound is definitely improving. We've had home health care nurses come several times per week to change the wound vac, but beyond that, it has just been us – her kids – who have been taking care of her. Sometimes it feels like for every two steps forward, we take one step back, but overall, she has been making progress. Her appetite has slowly begun to return and her voice has been steadily improving. Deep, restful sleep is still a challenge, but I know that this will become easier for her as she heals.

The emotional and mental pieces of the puzzle are less easy to identify and address because it is simply an exhausting process to recover from such an ordeal. Her life has been turned upside down and she just wants to feel better and when that's not happening as quickly as you'd like it to, it takes its toll. We all try to keep her spirits up and remind her of how far she has already come so focus on that instead of on how far she still has to go. Personally, it is very difficult for me because I would do anything to make things better for her. I hate to see her discouraged about the pace of her recovery and I wish I had a magic wand to fix everything.  However, even if she can't see how well she is doing because she still feels so awful, WE can see the incremental improvements and we are very, very proud of her.

So how did we end up back at the hospital?

This past week, I was co-teaching a grad class every day from 8:00 – 4:00. C worked from home and my brother came to be with her during the day. I am not going to lie…I worried about her constantly when I wasn't at home. It's not that C & G are not excellent caretakers; on the contrary, I think it is wonderful that they were able to spend that one-on-one time with her without me hovering around being a busybody. What this week showed me was that I absolutely made the right decision to resign from my teaching position, as heartbreaking as it was. If I worried constantly when it was C & G taking care of her and I knew I only had to be away from her for five days, how difficult would it be for me to teach full time and constantly worry about a stranger taking care of her while I was away from her for 195 days?!?

When I got home after class on Wednesday, it was clear to me that she was not feeling well. I felt like she got worse throughout the evening, and by about 9:00 pm, I suggested we go to the ER. My mom assured me that she would be OK, so we did not end up going (although I did sleep on the couch that night so I could be closer to her in case she needed me during the night). On Thursday, G was with her, and she was complaining of some abdominal pain, but was mostly just feeling run down and lousy. Weeks ago, we had bought tickets to go see "Christopher Robin" – Winnie the Pooh and company are a pretty big deal in my family – as something for her to look forward to while she recovered and it was going to be her first real outing since coming home from the hospital. However, she was simply not well enough to go. G kindly stayed very late to watch her because she insisted C and I go to the movies because she knew how much I'd been looking forward to it (side note: it was wonderful!).

Yesterday was the last day of my class and C stayed home with my mom. She did not seem great in the morning, but as a general rule, mornings are kind of tough and she typically feels better as the day goes on. C drove me to class because he and my mom were going to pick me up in the afternoon so we could both go with her to her appointment with the surgeon. Well it turns out she had a very hard day and when I saw her, she looked terrible. So terrible, in fact, that when we saw the surgeon, she commented on how unwell my mom looked and told us we needed to take her to the ER.

I cannot even express how overwhelmed
I am by how much C loves my mom
<3 <3 <3

We left the office and drove straight to the hospital and once we were called back, they spent several hours running tests trying to determine what was causing the abdominal pain. We knew this would take time and obviously none of us had been prepared for being away from home for more than a couple of hours, so we decided that C would stay with her so I could go home, feed the dogs, and get a phone charger and a few things for my mom and that we would have some answers by the time I got back to the hospital.

As I was driving home around 8:00, I got a text from C that she was being admitted. Not the news I wanted to hear. I did what I needed to do at home, including packing a bag for myself, and got back to the hospital around 10:30. C stayed until about midnight before heading home and I spent the night with my mom.

My glamorous accommodations! :)

As of right now, we have no answers regarding what is causing the abdominal pain, although they suspect it may be an abscess of some sort. Hopefully they will be able to figure it out soon, because she is not allowed to eat or drink anything until they do. She is currently on IV fluids and sleeping and I am sitting here feeling helpless. Not an emotion I enjoy. But I am very happy she is resting and I am going to focus on that and on the fact that she is in excellent hands at this hospital!

Happy Tails to you!